


Dust In The Wind

by TheIslandOfMisfitToys



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-17
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-05 00:01:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1087183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIslandOfMisfitToys/pseuds/TheIslandOfMisfitToys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>According to psychiatrists, humans generally go through five different stages of grief. It begins with denial, which is followed by anger, bargaining, depression and then, finally, acceptance. Dean Winchester, though he may deal with angels, demons, and every monster in between, is still only human.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Denial

According to psychiatrists, humans generally go through five different stages of grief. It begins with denial, which is followed by anger, bargaining, depression and then, finally, acceptance. Dean Winchester, though he may deal with angels, demons, and every monster in between, is still only human.

When Kevin dies, and he discovers that his brother, who he still sees as little Sammy, always needing protection, has been gone for a long time... well, he simply goes on as if nothing happened. This is not because he doesn't care - of course he cares, he feels like he's being ripped apart from the inside, like the grief inside of him is trying to claw its way out into the open. But he simply can't show weakness. If he acts like he's fine for long enough, surely, he reasons, it will become truth.

Unfortunately, Dean is not the only person dealing with loss, and Cas is, to say the least, confused. He can't understand why Dean seems to be so okay. He should at least be showing signs of sadness, but no, he makes coffee for them both, forces Cas to watch old movies with him in the evenings, goes out to bars (though Cas has noticed that every time he does this, he always returns to the bunker, alone). Finally, Cas can't take it, and he asks Dean what's going on. Dean is in the kitchen - he's cooking (another new habit - odd) and Cas is hanging around in the doorway.

"Cas?" Dean asks, not looking away from the oven. "You gonna wait there all day or are you gonna come in?"

Cas starts, and steps down into the kitchen, his hands forming fists and then uncurling over and over.

"Hello Dean." He begins in a quiet voice. This time Dean turns around, eyebrows raised. He sees Castiel's expression and frowns a little. "You look like you wanna talk."

Cas nods. "Dean... I don't understand." he muttered, looking down at his hand. "Kevin just..." he pauses. "Kevin died days ago, and Sam's... gone. But you... you're acting like nothing happened, like it doesn't matter to you and I'm a little worried."

Dean rolls his eyes and shrugs, in an attempt to appear nonchalant.

"Cas, buddy, I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine. Honestly. I'm fine. I mean sure, I miss them, but honestly you just gotta learn to deal with it." he sighs. "Kevin's gone, and so is Sam but we'll figure out what's going on with whoever is inside his body. And we'll get Sammy back. He'll be okay, I know he will, he always is."

Cas isn't convinced and takes a few steps towards Dean.

"I'm told it's not healthy, you know." he mutters.

"What are you on about?"

"Keeping your emotions bottled up." Castiel explains. "I'm told it's exactly what you shouldn't do."

Dean scoffs.

"And what good will talking do, huh? It ain't gonna bring 'em back. I told you I'm fine. Believe me."

Cas stares at Dean, who stares right back for several seconds before going back to his cooking. Cas turns on his heel and leaves the kitchen.

* * *

 

The denial goes on and Cas continues to quietly worry about Dean for another few days, until one evening later that week. Cas is lying spread out across one of the couches, legs hanging over the end, eyes glazed over, when Dean strolls in brandishing beer and a DVD.

"Wayne's World." he grins as he puts the DVD in, as if that is the only explanation necessary. "Budge up."

Silently, Cas sits up, scooting over to make space for Dean, who drops onto the couch, handing Cas an already open beer bottle. Cas takes it and places it carefully on a side table.

"Fine." Dean mutters and presses play on the remote.

They watch the movie in a not-entirely-comfortable silence. Towards the end, Dean catches one of Castiel's frequent sidelong glances and sighs, pausing the film.

"Alright, out with it." he demands, turning to face Castiel. Cas hesitates, considering whether it would be wise to voice his thoughts.

"I think it would be best if I just..." he reaches for the remote but Dean grabs his wrist.

"No, come on."

Cas thinks he sounds pissed.

"Dean it really doesn't-" but Dean is having none of it.

"This is about me and my fucking feelings isn't?"

Cas sighs. "Well Dean... It's just that I don't think you can possibly be okay after what's happened and maybe you just need someone to-"

"To talk to?" he interrupts. "I've told you that I'm fine!" He's yelling now. "Why can't you just accept that? I don't need you pitying me!"

"I'm not pitying you Dean, far from it. Calm down. I know you don't want to hear it, but I'm here if you decide it isn't too emasculating for you to talk about how you're feeling." Cas spits and gets up to leave, but Dean stands too.

"Fine!" he yells, flinging the remote at a wall. Cas flinches. "You want me to talk about it? I'll fucking talk about it! I just lost my brother and someone who was like a brother to me, who I was responsible for! It's my fault, Cas! I let this happen with my stupid fucking secrets and the lying and the deals! So can you understand why I don't want to talk about it? Because if I do, I'll just remind myself that I could have stopped it by just not being such a fucking idiot!"

Cas is silent, and Dean storms off to his room. Not for the first time this week, Cas feels hot tears spilling down his cheeks.


	2. Anger

After Dean's outburst, the two of them fall into a kind of pattern. During the day, Dean will stay shut in his room most of the time, only emerging to eat. He avoids Cas altogether.

One particular time, Cas walks into the living room with the intention of trying to apologise to Dean, who is on the couch, looking at the TV but not really watching it. However Dean barely has to look up to know that Cas is there and he switches off the television and leaves. Cas is left standing helplessly in the middle of the room.

Around eight in the evening on these particular days, Dean will start on the beer which by ten-ish will inevitably have led to a few glasses of scotch, and when he's drunk enough, that's when he begins to shout. And scream. And yell. He'll hurl his anger at Cas and sometimes he'll hurl objects too.

Castiel, to his credit usually just sits on the couch, expressionless and lets Dean vent. He puts up with the insults and abuse. He tolerates the nigh on unbearable bellow of Dean's voice, echoing around the bunker. But tonight he's had enough.

Tonight he simply stands up and leaves halfway through the shouting. He clenches his fists by his side. He walks to his room. Dean follows, yelling "Where are you going? I'm not done! Jesus fucking Christ Cas what are you doing?"

When they both reach his room, Cas spins around in the doorway to face Dean.

"You think you're the only one who wants to shout and scream at someone?" he demands. "You think you're the only one who's upset? I wanted you to talk, but I meant _talk_ not yell at me when it suits you! Dean, this may well shock you, but I've also lost someone important! I know I never really knew Kevin, but Sam was like a brother to me too, or have you forgotten the countless occasions on which I have sacrificed myself, and my sanity to save him?"

Dean stares at the floor.

"So quit thinking just about yourself. Maybe, just maybe there are other people here who need support, who need someone they can vent to - but not like this. You don't see me screaming and throwing fits!" Castiel goes silent for a moment, and when he speaks again his voice is quieter.

"Please, Dean. I need you just as much as you need me."

Dean's expression softens from angry, to guilty. He looks at Cas in silence.

"Cas..." he begins. "I'm sorry. You're right, of course you are."

Cas nods sharply and looks away. There's an awkward silence where they both avoid each others' eyes.

"Dean, I know you're upset. So really, if there is anything that I can-"

Dean doesn't know why he does it, but the next second he's pressed up against Cas kissing him desperately, hands clutching at his hair. Cas holds him tightly.

They pull away, slightly breathless, and Cas is about to ask what the hell that was but Dean is leaving, looking flustered.

Cas isn't sure whether to smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this chapter is a little short I TRIED OKAY


	3. Bargaining

Dean begins to calm down, little by little, but is still avoiding Cas. Though this time it's for entirely different reasons. They both remember the kiss and neither one will talk to the other about it. Cas, because he has no idea how to go about approaching the subject and Dean, because it's taking him a while to adjust to the fact that _he kissed Castiel._

They dance around each other for some time, making stupid excuses to leave the room if the other shows up. Dean chuckles to himself when he thinks that if Sam were here, he'd be sitting in a corner of the living room, huffing and rolling his eyes and staring at Dean pointedly as if to say _'Dean. Quit fucking around would you? Talk to the poor guy.'_

Of course, that only reminds Dean that Sam is _not_ here and sets him on the booze again. Castiel notices this of course, and hides all the alcohol in the bunker.

* * *

 

A few days later, Cas notices Dean heading out of the bunker, gun in hand and begins to worry. He first assumes it's a hunt, but Dean has said nothing to him about a hunt (not that he would anyway) and also, Dean hasn't hunted for weeks. For this reason, Castiel justifies following Dean out of the bunker and watching him as he walks a little way down the road. He knows something's up from the second Dean does not hop straight into the Impala, choosing instead to stop at the crossroads just beyond where his car is parked.

This rings alarm bells in Castiel's head, and he's running before he can even think about what he's doing. Dean's bending down. Digging. Cas' breathing comes unevenly as he tries to get to him. Dean hears footfalls and turns around. Castiel finally comes to a stop in front of Dean, frowning and panting.

"What... the fuck do you... think you're... doing?" Cas asks between deep breaths. Dean shakes his head.

"I've got no idea what you're talking about, man. Just going for a walk."

There's silence for a moment, and then Cas gets enough breathe to spit out, "Bullshit."

"Excuse me?" Dean asks incredulously.

"I said bullshit. You think I haven't noticed this is a crossroads we're standing on? You've lost Sam and Kevin and you're going to try and make a deal." They both pause, staring at each other. "You're an idiot."

"Oh well, fuck you too Cas." he mutters. "You don't understand, I have to do something okay? I always do. It's my job to fuck up and then do something stupid to fix it, it's a vicious cycle. I need them back, Cas. It's my fault they're gone and I need to fix it... I need to fix it."

Castiel looks at Dean sadly, shaking his head.

"It isn't your-" But Dean cuts him off.

"No, don't do that, it is. I appreciate what you're trying to do but I know that I'm guilty for this and it's my responsibility. So just go back to the bunker and pretend like you don't know I'm here and let me fix my problems."

Cas rolled his eyes.

"I can't let you do that Dean. It's enough that I've lost one of my two only friends. I don't need to lose the other as well."

"But you'll get Sam back. You'd prefer to have Sam back and me gone, you can geek out with him, he understands you, he doesn't let you down all the time."

There's more silence for a long while as Cas decides what exactly to say or do. Dean takes this opportunity to turn around and continue with his summoning ritual but Cas grasps his shoulders and tries to force him to stop.

"Cas, get off!" he grunts, but Cas doesn't and he wrestles with Dean until they're face to face but Dean's still struggling, so God help him he kisses Dean hard, knowing it will shock him motionless.

Dean stares at Castiel. Cas stares back defiantly.

"What was that for?" Dean mumbles. Cas shrugs.

They stand still, in the middle of the crossroads for a long time, neither one saying anything until Dean launches himself at Castiel and it's like something out of a goddamn romcom, they're wrapped up in each other, Dean's hands on Cas' face kissing him like he'll never get another chance and Cas is a little more than overwhelmed when they pull away.

"Well that was at least four years of pent up feelings." He muttered eventually, causing Dean to chuckle.

"Come on." Dean replied, grabbing Castiel's hand, worries temporarily forgotten as he leads him back to the bunker and they make their way to Dean's bedroom.

"Dean what are you-" Cas begins when Dean presses him against the back of the bedroom door, but he loses his train of thought after a second. They each slowly get rid of the other's clothing, abandoning it on the floor and stumbling across the room to the bed, where Cas manages to get the upper hand and pins Dean down. He's about to protest against this, but falls silent when all of a sudden Cas' lips are on his neck and obviously he learnt a _hell of a lot_ that time with April because Dean quickly becomes a quivering mess.

"Cas I..." he begins, but Cas silences him with a finger over his lips and Dean just closes his eyes and lets his head fall back while Castiel's hand starts to move slowly on his dick. He makes an awfully load groan of appreciation which has Cas grinning. "Please... I want you to..." But again he's cut off with a moan as Cas lowers his mouth onto Dean's cock. Dean's hands twist into Cas' hair and he's breathing heavily now. "Fucking dammit Cas... would you just fuck me already?" he demands and Cas pulls off his dick and laughs.

"Do you have any kind of lubricant?" he asks, eyebrow raised. Dean is stumped by this.

"Uh... no, I don't think so." he mutters.

"Then you're just going to have to make do with this, aren't you?" Cas replies. "Think you can handle that?"

Dean rolls his eyes, which Cas takes as a yes, and he continues to suck Dean until he feels his hands tightening in his hair and Dean's voice sounds slightly strained when he chokes out, "Cas, oh God yes, yes!"

When Dean comes it's with a quiet gasp and a shudder and Castiel's hands move smoothly up and down his torso while he attempts to regulate his breathing. "Are you alright Dean?" he asks, settling himself down by Dean's side, a hand stroking through his hair.

"Mmm." he nods. "Never better."

They fall into a comfortable silence, and Dean rolls onto his side so that he's face to face with Cas. Blue eyes stare into green, and they both grin. Cas leans forward to kiss Dean once, briefly on the lips and then they both settle down to nap, if not actually get a whole night's sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *chuckles* I hope you enjoyed hte sexy times I sure did. I'm sorry I took ages to upload I just forget about these things you know...

**Author's Note:**

> *sigh*  
> I'm sorry, I'm a horrible person, I wrote this right after Kevin died, I needed to get my emotions out. It will be five chapters long, I'll update as much as I can.


End file.
